Not enough time...

in the friggin day to get things done! Part of my problem is that as a business owner/freelance writer I promise clients work TOO soon. I put all this stress on myself with the notion that if I don't get it done quick enough, my client will find somebody else. I have to let go of this notion because I know I'm awesome at what I do, and my clients are lucky to have found me. :o) I charge considerably less than most advertising/marketing/writing professionals, yet my work is of the same caliber. I guess this is the advantage I have in this competitive market.

Anyway, I am feeling guilty because I am working from home today, and I'm parked in front of my computer hoping that Autumn can find multiple things around the house to entertain her today. I can only take a few breaks if I am ever going to get all this work done. This is a particularly busy week for me, and hopefully next week will lighten up a little. After all, my days out of the office are supposed to be spent with my daughter...

Just had to vent so I don't lose my cool today...

I Miss You...

Isn't it amazing how one song can you bring back to another time in your life? In my case, it's dozens of songs. I was just working away on my computer, and heard a song my roommates and I used to blast in our apartment, back when we lived together in Boston. It also reminded me of my first love, Will, who I lost tragically during my second year of college. Man, how I loved that kid. Man, how I still do. I just pray to God every night that I'll get to see him again someday.

My life in Boston seemed so long ago - the 10-year mark has just passed, marking the date I first moved there. A timid, quiet girl from Connecticut moving right into the heart of Boston, not knowing a soul. Ten years later, I look back at that time, and think of all the friends I made, the fun I had, the city I came to know and love, the classes I learned so much from at Suffolk, the first experience of alcohol, drugs, and sex - believe me, it is NOT as bad as it sounds (LOL), and of course meeting my favorite Bostonian - David, my now husband.

Boston, I miss you so much.

Watching the Red Sox win the World Series last night (I Love you Boys!) also brought back many memories of living in perhaps the greatest city in the world (Sorry New York!). Oh how, oh how did it all go by so fast?

There is a part of me that still feels guilty for writing on a blog as opposed to writing in my diary. Have we really come so far into technology that a pen and paper is no longer required?

Sorry, got to cut this entry short. Just got a few emails from clients requesting work be done. Adios, for now!

Reflecting on 9/11and family issues

Six years ago a great tragedy fell upon our nation...and I start off this blog by remembering all of the innocent people who died that day...may God be with you and all of your family and friends who mourn you today...We will never forget...

It is a dark, dreary, and rainy day, befitting for what most people are feeling like today. It's kind of a hard day to think about my own problems, but I cannot help it. My parents are divorcing (my dad and my stepmom) after 25 years of marriage...my parents who have always been my rocks, and now I see falling apart before my eyes...My stepmom was always a second mother to me, but now she is distant, I feel distant from her. For the past few months, I've felt for the first time since my mom died that I really don't have a mom anymore...at least here on Earth...

It's hard when my dad vents to me too - hard to hear the pain in his voice - hard to realize that the man you always viewed as strong can fall apart just as easily as anyone else. He's gone through so many changes in the past year and a half...left his job as Director, divorce, running a business...it just seems like the changes have been too much for him. I pray every night that he finds happiness in his life...I pray that he stops worrying and negative thinking...I pray he finds someone who can really bring out the happiness that I know is somewhere deep within...

I just feel like our family has fell apart. We rarely get together anymore...and this hurts me more than anything now that I have a daughter...of course I see my parents, and my siblings, but not all together at the same time. The last time we all had a dinner together? I can't remember.

I am just sad tonight, and I pray that God sends healing love and happiness to our family...and all the families who are hurting in the world...

Summer Break? Don't think so.

Well, it's about time I write on this blog again...my summer has been so busy - mostly trying to keep my business afloat and attempting to make a real living from it. It's challenging, I'll tell you. But I hold on because I know that someday it will be big...and it will be one of my greatest career accomplishments.

I mostly want this for my baby girl...I want to give her the best life possible. And I don't mean just the material things. I want to give her a life full of love, happiness, comfort, education, vacations - you name it.

And you know what else I want? Less drama in my life. Dave and I are working on that steadfastly. We've started going to church on Sundays - because we both know that we need more of God in our lives. This I believe will go a long way in helping our marriage.

I have a lot on my mind right now...for some reason I'm having a hard time writing it all out...I think I need my journal for this one.

Single Mom

Dave is giving me major grief today because I have dinner plans with business associates after work today, and he has to watch Autumn for a couple hours while he works. He only helps out when it is convenient for him. Yeah, I understand he's the breadwinner, he brings home most of the bacon, but can't he cut me some slack here and there? It's not my fault he doesn't know how to multi-task!

Sometimes I feel like a single mom. Dave tries hard...but not hard enough.

Working Girl

I've been having a rough time lately - I won't lie. Nobody ever said it was easy running your own business. It is going well, but it is still a tough transition to go from a full time, full benefit salary job to working for yourself. I pray every day that it will pay off - and I don't just mean financially - I mean for my own, and family's own, peace of mind. It has been incredibly hard going from a dual income household to a practically single income one. Think I can pay down my credit cards now? Hardly. I can just make a little more than the minimum each month...not to mention having to pay for our household bills (which Dave mostly takes care of) and health insurance. Dave is a self-employed contractor for a company (with annual contracts) and while a perk is that he gets to work from home, we sometimes suffer not having the benefits we used to have.

After Autumn was born (nearly 15 months ago), I was given nearly 12 weeks maternity leave by my old company. We, my company and I, had come to an agreement that I would work right up through the end of my maternity and then resign. (The commute was too far and to be honest, I had had my share of that position.) While on maternity leave, I started picking up freelance work here and there. It absolutely terrified me to have to leave my baby to go back to work full time. I nearly had panic attacks while on interviews, just thinking about leaving her to sit in some office all day. She needed me and I cried every time I thought about leaving her to go to work. So I went on unemployment for a while, while I perused my options. And it turns out I started getting more and more freelance work - so Soleil, Dad, and I decided to turn it into a business.

It's going well, but the money isn't exactly rolling in where we get to take home decent pay just yet. Right now I am working out of the home 3 days a week at my office, while my sister watches Autumn. I am very grateful I can make my own schedule, be home when I need to, and be there for my baby girl more often than I could working full time for somebody else. It's just hard. Autumn is now at the age where she wants to play, go out, explore the world - and I am sitting here practically tied to my computer. Frankly, if I don't work every day, I don't make money. And that rationale is constantly nagging at me.

I wonder if in my life, I'll ever feel 100% content. I think the way things are, is God's way of telling me that no, things will never be perfect. But I have to look around and see what I do have - and what is working for me. I have to remember that I have a baby girl, a husband, a family, friends, two great pugs, a home... I have to stop fearing that I'm going to lose it all. Because what I really am losing is the joy of living life every day.

Thankful on this Mother's Day

There is no greater joy in the world than being a mother. Experiencing my baby's birth, watching her grow beautifully, dreaming huge dreams for her, doing my absolute best to give her a wonderful life, and shape her into a loving, caring individual - motherhood is without a doubt the best thing that has happened to me - and the most inspiring blessing in the world.

I love you, Autumn Laura! Thank you for making me the happiest, proudest mother on Earth. You are so beautiful, and smart, and are just growing so fast and learning so much every day. Not a day goes by where I don't just stop and look at you and thank God for you.

When I hug you I never want to stop. When I see you cry I wipe away your tears and try to hold back my own. When I hear you laugh, my soul is filled with joy. When you rest your head upon my chest, I want to bottle up the feeling I have and sell it to the world so everyone can be as happy as I am when you are with me. When I watch you learn and explore new things, I feel so proud of you, my little one. Motherhood is truly the greatest love of all. My child, my heart, my everything.

Oy...my gripes of the week

Hey, what better place to get out my (daily, weekly) aggravation than my blog? Yeah, I have my diary, but unfortunately this computer sits in front of me way more than my diary and pen do...

I can tell with my shortness of breath this week that I am overstressing. So here's my exercise for the day...I'm going to list one by one everything that is on my mind...

1.) Millridge Manor (won't go further into this, in the sake of them being a client of my business')
2.) Planning our trip to Atlanta that is just a little more than a month away...we're driving down...are we nuts?
3.) The business - building the business.
4.) Money, money, it's always about money (wish we lived in a world where money didn't matter)
5.) Flab - it's almost swimsuit season and my body is totally not prepared. But the good thing about it is, with daily Denise Austin, it's getting closer to ideal (hey, I should give myself more credit - I had a baby)
6.) Worrying about money and flab. There are FAR bigger problems than these in this world...and I feel selfish for griping about these pretty much minor ones.
7.) SINUS PROBLEMS - ugh, go away!!
8.) Not enough time in the day. Each night before I go to bed, instead of giving myself props for what I got DONE that day, I instead make a mental list of what DID NOT get done. (first thing, my daughter's scrapbook. I feel so guilty that I'm always working and not putting it aside to do the scrapbook highlighting her first year.)

Ok, I'm done. Do I feel better? A tad. :)

Kudos to Cloth Diapers

Yay, I am so excited! I finally took the plunge and ordered cloth diapers for my baby girl! She will be more comfortable, and I will feel better knowing I am helping the environment. I think a lot of moms get overwhelmed (or disgusted) when thinking about cloth diapers, but it's not the 1950s anymore - it's 2007! And cloth diapers are so cute, and convenient, and will save parents a lot of money in the long run.

So thank you to my friend and neighbor Stacey for getting me going on this. I just needed that kick in the butt to get me going.

You probably think my life is sad over me getting excited about cloth diapers. Trust me, it isn't. I have so much going on right now, it's a wonder I'm even taking a break to write on my blog.

Does anyone even read this blog? I have to start promoting it I guess...I eventually want this to be a tool where I can promote my business, my friends' businesss, and businesses like KatiesKisses.com where I ordered my very cute cloth diapers today!

Business is Booming! :)

Ok, well maybe not BOOMING, but Creative Insight Design of CT is surely spreading her wings! Soleil and I are in our office right now, and I really shouldn't even be blogging, but I just felt like expressing my joy about being able to work with my best friend day after day, and being able to be with my daughter (as opposed to working full time out of the home, for someone else.) Now that I am freelance writing for the local newspaper, ReminderNews, it is helping me get out in my community and network for my business! I met the mayor of the city of Norwich (where my office is) and Chris Coutu, founder of American Warriors, a great non-profit organization who works on raising funds to help WWII veterans. We haven't even had to advertise yet - all of our work is given to us through the power of WORD OF MOUTH.

I am just feeling very grateful today. Adding to my elation was a call from a woman whose organization I wrote a story on last week. She loved my article, and gave me so much praise. I truly feel like a real writer now. And business owner. And mommy. I feel accomplished. I will give myself a pat on the back today. It's tough work when you work for yourself, but it's something I am passionate about. And we all know passion is important for keeping dreams alive.

My Baby Met a Beluga Today

What a wonderful, beautiful day today was. The sun was shining and the air was warm and pleasant. Dave and I took our Autumn to the aquarium today for her first time, and what an absolute pleasure it was. Seeing our baby girl smile and light up and say her new words, God it is the greatest joy in the world. She had her cute little Red Sox hat on with her shirt, capri pants and adorable little sandals. When we first took her into the aquarium to see all of the fish, she clung to me real tight as she looked in the tanks as though I was going to put her in there. After she realized Mommy would never let go, she eased up, and began enjoying seeing the wonders of the ocean on display. I got the best picture of her standing up against a tank and looking at a lobster - and then a fantastic one of her looking into the tank while a Beluga Whale swam right in front of her. The greatest part about being a parent is definitely experiencing the world all over again through your child; sharing her joy and curiosity; and just feeling the love and seeing the look on her face when she thinks "Mommy, this is great!" Thank you God for a beautiful day with my family.

Feeling Better Now

Ok, so I stopped hating my husband, and realized I need to stop using the word "hate" so loosely. There is already too much hate in this world, and I know whenever I say the word, I never mean it. I love my husband very much, despite how annoying he can get sometimes. He does not deserve to have me say I hate him though in any way. He is a good husband, father, and hard worker. I love you, Dave.

Anyway, wanted to take a quick break from working on Creative Insight Design of CT stuff. We are growing for sure! It's so hard to find the time to do everything it entails! I love my job though so very much, and pray every day that it works out! What better than to work alongside my best friend and father!?

I Hate My Husband Today

Let the public know how much I cannot STAND the man I married today. Blame it on PMS, or blame it on the fact that I am married to the moodiest, least grateful, most anal man on the face of this Earth. I am tired of living the cliche life - the wife who is never appreciated. We just got done fighting (or should I say paused fighting) about him nitpicking the cleaning and other things I do around the home. He is sooooooo ungrateful for what I do - for our baby I take care of (pretty much all my own), the house I clean, the pugs I do the most tending to, and not to mention I cook dinner nearly every single night. (His idea of dinner? Nasty frozen potatoes and chicken fingers or takeout). He wonders why I'm a bitch?? Hello...take a look in the mirror buddy and realize who and what your wife has to deal with every single day. Somehow, he's the only one who can vent anger and be moody without his spouse thinking he's the devil, while I am supposed to be cheerful and bubbly all the time. I DON'T THINK SO!!!!

Yeah I'll probably regret posting this, but right now, I am pissed and want the world to know it. (Or the 1 lone person who reads this blog)

Neighborly Love

What a great day today was! Dave, Autumn, and I went over to my neighbors' house for a barbeque. The weather was chilly, but sunny. I first met our neighbors Stacey and Ralph when Stacey was walking down our street about 9 months pregnant with her then 17-month old daughter, Hailey. I was holding Autumn at the time, and introduced myself. A few weeks later, Stacey had her baby, and we saw each other again on Halloween. Then she told me she was VP of the local MOMS club - something I'd always wanted to join. Ever since, Stacey, her girls, me, and Autumn have been hanging out over each others' houses. And what's really great is that our husbands get along really well also!

So...anyway, it just felt really good to walk three houses down and hang with the neighbors...a woman I met there said that in her neighborhood no one even talks to each other. Now why is that? Why have we as a society become such strangers to each other? I try to smile and say hello to every person I greet out in public. There is no reason to stay to ourselves and appear cold and withdrawn to the outside world.

We had a great day today - eating, drinking, playing with the kiddies, chatting as adults...and in fact Dave is still over there playing cards. I had to come home to put Autumn to bed - and get to work on this website I am finishing for a client. But I just wanted to write how happy I feel that I live in an actual neighborhood--a quiet, beautiful neighborhood with a lot of friendly people.

And to top off the day? As soon as Autumn and I got home and greeted the pugs, I had a knock on my door, and it was another neighbor who popped over to say hello, and bought a watch from my husband who sells watches as a side job. Thanks for the smiles today, neighbors!

Oh Baby Baby Baby!

Babies are on my mind tonight...and no, I'm not thinking of having another (YET)...but I just got off the phone with my aunt, and two of my cousins are both having babies this year! I am very excited - my little Autumn Laura will have more cousins! There is nothing in the world like having a baby...just looking at and experiencing the offspring of you and someone you love (hopefully) is by far the most amazing feeling in the world. My daughter is so incredible - she is beautiful, sweet, and oh so loving...

Thank you God for my beautiful baby girl, and for all of the beautiful babies in this world. There is no greater blessing. Babies are a refreshing reminder of what life is all about - learning and growing; laughing and crying; falling down and picking yourself right back up again...

The Need for Feed...back

As I look to expand on my career as a writer, I just realized one very important thing. I need to promote this blog, so I can receive actual feedback on the work I plan on posting here. The writings I post on here will not reflect any of the daily writing I do for work, but will consist of the writings that derive exclusively from my heart. This is the type of writing I earn to make a career out of...the type of writing that will eventually lead me to write my personal memoir, which is an ultimate dream of mine. I am 27 years old--a mother, a wife, a business owner, and I want to start referring myself as a writer too. A true writer.

I applied for a writing gig today, which would require writing spiritual content. I believe that writing like this could help me further not only my career, but help me to nourish my soul as well.

My rants of the day

I guess this is the perfect place to write everything that has been bogging me down lately:

1.) Sinus problems - I think I may have an infection. And hence the partial reason for my dizziness lately.
2.) Tax season - yep, hubby and I owe this year. The one thing that isn't so great about being self-employed...
3.) Companies/businesses not writing back - there is a plethora of freelance writing jobs online, and I apply to at least 3 per day. I understand I won't get every job - but please, people, be courteous and at least send a generic response back!

The Simple Pleasures

Thank God spring weather is finally here! I've felt so guilty lately - keeping the baby and my pugs indoors. But today we all went outside (me, Autumn (my baby), and my two pugs) to play. The weather was cool, crisp, and pleasant. Autumn watched as the pugs did their thing (potty) and laughed the whole time. Every time I hear her laugh, my heart fills with joy, and an instant smile is brought to my face. When the pugs finished their business, I got them in the playing mood. The four of us were running around the yard, as Autumn shrieked with glee. The pugs released all of the energy, and once they were tired out came the pig snort panting they're famous for. I just felt exhilarated being outdoors in my own backyard with my three children. It's these times in life that I am most grateful for. The simple things. My daughter's laugh. My pugs' snorts. Playing outdoors in the spring. Thank you God for these simple pleasures.

Ending my friendship with fear

I have such a hard time relaxing. I don’t know what it is. I feel like everything is (somewhat) in control, and I know that things that aren’t in my control are totally in God’s…so why can’t I just relax and simply enjoy myself? Why do I find it so hard to be content with the day to day, and not dwell on the future? Of course, one should always look into the future. But not dwell on it and worry about it. When am I going to realize that worrying won’t do a thing but take away the beauty of the precious moments that exist for me here and now? Why can’t I ever be happy to the point where some voice in the background isn’t telling me that something bad will happen eventually; that happiness is short lived? I know, deep down, that it all stems down to losing my mother at age 5, in a tragic, unpredictable accident. And ever since, as my friend Nikki so eloquently put it, fear has become my friend. And it’s so hard to let go of it. Without fear, I feel vulnerable. Fear has me fooled that if I’m not constantly worrying, then somehow if something bad did happen, I totally would not be prepared. But really, can fear prepare me? No, what it can do is steal the joy I hold onto this very moment. Fear makes me anxious, it makes me afraid to live. It takes away my freedom. Today, I’m ending my relationship with you, fear. I have nothing to fear but fear itself…so cliché, but so true for me. Dear Fear…it’s over.

Finally getting personal

This is my first blog entry EVER. I know, I'm a little late in the game. I used to be so expressive with my writing - as a girl, a teenager, and during my college days. It wasn't until entering the workforce that my writing became part of my career, and more like a chore than anything. Slowly my writing decreased from daily to weekly entries in my diary or journal, to monthly jot downs, to pretty much nothing. But not a single day goes by where I don't think of writing, and since I'm on the computer working all the time, I thought, now is the time to start my blog. I want to write from my heart, and not just for a paycheck. I want to stop limiting my writing abilities to just mundane work assignments, and do what I really want to do. Obviously I will continue, and want to continue, writing for work, but writing for myself is a fire in my heart that has been waiting years to be ignited. And why do I continue to keep putting it off? I need to listen to my soul, instead of responding to my fears. I need to find God, instead of seeking help from doctors or the Internet on the state of my emotional well being. Through writing I will release my fears, express my joy, and find my soul.