Working Girl

I've been having a rough time lately - I won't lie. Nobody ever said it was easy running your own business. It is going well, but it is still a tough transition to go from a full time, full benefit salary job to working for yourself. I pray every day that it will pay off - and I don't just mean financially - I mean for my own, and family's own, peace of mind. It has been incredibly hard going from a dual income household to a practically single income one. Think I can pay down my credit cards now? Hardly. I can just make a little more than the minimum each month...not to mention having to pay for our household bills (which Dave mostly takes care of) and health insurance. Dave is a self-employed contractor for a company (with annual contracts) and while a perk is that he gets to work from home, we sometimes suffer not having the benefits we used to have.

After Autumn was born (nearly 15 months ago), I was given nearly 12 weeks maternity leave by my old company. We, my company and I, had come to an agreement that I would work right up through the end of my maternity and then resign. (The commute was too far and to be honest, I had had my share of that position.) While on maternity leave, I started picking up freelance work here and there. It absolutely terrified me to have to leave my baby to go back to work full time. I nearly had panic attacks while on interviews, just thinking about leaving her to sit in some office all day. She needed me and I cried every time I thought about leaving her to go to work. So I went on unemployment for a while, while I perused my options. And it turns out I started getting more and more freelance work - so Soleil, Dad, and I decided to turn it into a business.

It's going well, but the money isn't exactly rolling in where we get to take home decent pay just yet. Right now I am working out of the home 3 days a week at my office, while my sister watches Autumn. I am very grateful I can make my own schedule, be home when I need to, and be there for my baby girl more often than I could working full time for somebody else. It's just hard. Autumn is now at the age where she wants to play, go out, explore the world - and I am sitting here practically tied to my computer. Frankly, if I don't work every day, I don't make money. And that rationale is constantly nagging at me.

I wonder if in my life, I'll ever feel 100% content. I think the way things are, is God's way of telling me that no, things will never be perfect. But I have to look around and see what I do have - and what is working for me. I have to remember that I have a baby girl, a husband, a family, friends, two great pugs, a home... I have to stop fearing that I'm going to lose it all. Because what I really am losing is the joy of living life every day.