Otis...please come back...please

I can't stop seeing my beloved Otis' happy face...and then his face
when he died...I can't stop blaming myself for not protecting him
enough to stay away from that road. We live on a dead end street
with virtually no traffic and he never went in the road. I can't
stop crying hard whenever my husband cries. I can't stop feeling
sorry for my other pug, Isabelle, who, every time we open the front
door, has this look of hope on her face that Otis will be coming
through the door. I can't help but to cry when my two year old
daughter says "Otie is in the sky." I can't even look at his grave
where we buried him. I can't look at his bed, his toys, his dishes.
I can't wash the little shirt he used to wear when he was a bad boy
and did pee pee in the house.

I can't ever be whole without Otis back in my life.

I ordered a book on the afterlife for animals today...I need
comfort...I need to know that my good boy is okay...I need to know
he sees us and how much we miss him and love him.

I need to know I will be able to laugh and be silly again. This
house seems so serious now without our little clown.

Decorating in blue soon...

On April 21, we found out that we will be blessed with a baby boy! Dave, Autumn and I saw our baby Brady on the ultrasound, and like I was with Autumn, I felt so incredibly blessed and amazed at the little life inside me. I am so happy to be giving my little girl a baby brother, and that God is blessing me with one of each. I will have my girl and my boy...

Dave is really happy, too. Another little sports fan to have in his eyes. :o)

I can't believe I'm already five months along...my bouncing baby boy will be here before we know it! And we are planning a homebirth - very exciting!

Quick Vent

Wow, I have not written in a loooooooooooong time, but I guess that coincides well with my last post "Not enough time," right?? Anyway, I'm working from home today - my usual Friday - and as a diversion from work, wanted to write a little venting post about a couple things irking me:

1.) Dirtbikes - the neighbor next door and his damned dirtbikes. I mean, get a life, get a job, get out of your parents' house! The dirtbike is so loud and is stirring my pugs and is about to wake up my precious sleeping daughter. Don't you understand, as a working from home mom nap times are CRUCIAL??

2.) Incompetent people - I had to go to a state office today to drop off paperwork and the girl was SO dumb and SO rude, she had no idea what to do with what I gave her (and believe me, even I could have figured it out) and then when I asked her to make copies for me of what she was mailing, she gave me such an attitude, and a "My machine is broken, and I am not going to go upstairs to make more copies, and I have people waiting behind you," and I'm like "HELLO, this is your job, isn't it?" Isn't this what the state is paying you for? You lazy piece of...

I think that's it for now. Sorry, it must be the pregnancy hormones........

Not enough time...

in the friggin day to get things done! Part of my problem is that as a business owner/freelance writer I promise clients work TOO soon. I put all this stress on myself with the notion that if I don't get it done quick enough, my client will find somebody else. I have to let go of this notion because I know I'm awesome at what I do, and my clients are lucky to have found me. :o) I charge considerably less than most advertising/marketing/writing professionals, yet my work is of the same caliber. I guess this is the advantage I have in this competitive market.

Anyway, I am feeling guilty because I am working from home today, and I'm parked in front of my computer hoping that Autumn can find multiple things around the house to entertain her today. I can only take a few breaks if I am ever going to get all this work done. This is a particularly busy week for me, and hopefully next week will lighten up a little. After all, my days out of the office are supposed to be spent with my daughter...

Just had to vent so I don't lose my cool today...

I Miss You...

Isn't it amazing how one song can you bring back to another time in your life? In my case, it's dozens of songs. I was just working away on my computer, and heard a song my roommates and I used to blast in our apartment, back when we lived together in Boston. It also reminded me of my first love, Will, who I lost tragically during my second year of college. Man, how I loved that kid. Man, how I still do. I just pray to God every night that I'll get to see him again someday.

My life in Boston seemed so long ago - the 10-year mark has just passed, marking the date I first moved there. A timid, quiet girl from Connecticut moving right into the heart of Boston, not knowing a soul. Ten years later, I look back at that time, and think of all the friends I made, the fun I had, the city I came to know and love, the classes I learned so much from at Suffolk, the first experience of alcohol, drugs, and sex - believe me, it is NOT as bad as it sounds (LOL), and of course meeting my favorite Bostonian - David, my now husband.

Boston, I miss you so much.

Watching the Red Sox win the World Series last night (I Love you Boys!) also brought back many memories of living in perhaps the greatest city in the world (Sorry New York!). Oh how, oh how did it all go by so fast?

There is a part of me that still feels guilty for writing on a blog as opposed to writing in my diary. Have we really come so far into technology that a pen and paper is no longer required?

Sorry, got to cut this entry short. Just got a few emails from clients requesting work be done. Adios, for now!

Reflecting on 9/11and family issues

Six years ago a great tragedy fell upon our nation...and I start off this blog by remembering all of the innocent people who died that day...may God be with you and all of your family and friends who mourn you today...We will never forget...

It is a dark, dreary, and rainy day, befitting for what most people are feeling like today. It's kind of a hard day to think about my own problems, but I cannot help it. My parents are divorcing (my dad and my stepmom) after 25 years of marriage...my parents who have always been my rocks, and now I see falling apart before my eyes...My stepmom was always a second mother to me, but now she is distant, I feel distant from her. For the past few months, I've felt for the first time since my mom died that I really don't have a mom anymore...at least here on Earth...

It's hard when my dad vents to me too - hard to hear the pain in his voice - hard to realize that the man you always viewed as strong can fall apart just as easily as anyone else. He's gone through so many changes in the past year and a half...left his job as Director, divorce, running a business...it just seems like the changes have been too much for him. I pray every night that he finds happiness in his life...I pray that he stops worrying and negative thinking...I pray he finds someone who can really bring out the happiness that I know is somewhere deep within...

I just feel like our family has fell apart. We rarely get together anymore...and this hurts me more than anything now that I have a daughter...of course I see my parents, and my siblings, but not all together at the same time. The last time we all had a dinner together? I can't remember.

I am just sad tonight, and I pray that God sends healing love and happiness to our family...and all the families who are hurting in the world...